it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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