I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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