i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize