My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
