I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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