ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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