Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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