Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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