just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
