I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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