The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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