I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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