help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
