His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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