I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
