Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
