Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You've changed since you got that strap on
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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