Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
