The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
