he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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