My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
