.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
