i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize