first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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