you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
