I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
