am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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