do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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