just tell him i said nine months
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
