to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
