I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
