do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
