He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
