True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize