my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
