the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize