Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize