he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
