life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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