i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
