Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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