Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
