ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
