saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
