don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
