I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
