my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
