I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
