Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
