Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
