this beer tastes like vomit already
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
