The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
