There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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