I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
