im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
