If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
