Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
