Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
