Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
