I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
