Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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