1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
