I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
