I cannot find my penis.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
