Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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