God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize